Monday 18 March 2013
and just when you think that you are done and cannot anymore, push again a little.
It's 2.30 and I can't sleep. That feeling of dread that has been following me the past few weeks is hitting me hard again and, mainly because it's 2.30 am, there is nobody around that I can talk to about it. They never tell you about this, they don't really prepare you for all of this when you're sat there at the open day - looking around at the others sat near you, wondering if they'll make it onto the course, if you will - will you get there? will they? will you be friends? will you make friends? the person talking at you about module structures and entrance requirements...dissertations...it all seems so far away.
And then you're there. You got in. You passed, made the cut..all that. And then you're in it. Living it. The parties you got told about, the friends for life that suddenly you're making. And they keep quiet about the dissertation, your teachers. Your mentors. Sure it gets mentioned from time to time but it's no big deal, besides you're a million miles from it - too busy having fun. Dancing the nights away and being silly.
And then it's third year and you're being forced to do some stupid proposal but it's not real, not really. So you put some effort in but you don't think about it too hard - and then..well then it's too late. Because then it's 4th year and it's started and it feels like I can't take this pressure. Like I'm on a path that I can't really get off of and I'm not sure I really wanted to be on, but then again it's only a couple of weeks and it seems so silly to give it all up - would I do that? I don't think so but nights like this when I don't get it and I feel as if I'll never get it then I wonder if a simple life with a simple job and a simple happiness is what I really want, what I crave, what I need.
But then I remember my paternal grandfather and that underlying sense I got from him that I can be anything I want to be. And I remember my maternal grandparents and how proud they would have been to see me get this far. And it pushes me, pushes me at a time when it feels like I want to scream and stop.
So I choose to keep going. I choose to push my limits and not accept that I can't. It's been a pretty tough year, with big changes and a few rubbish events but I'm determined things are getting better, they have to. I read a book recently, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and the following quote sums up a lot of how I feel right now and so I'm going to end on it. Now is the time. The final push...but I really do wish that they warned us a little bit more.
“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” - Stephen Chbosky
And then you're there. You got in. You passed, made the cut..all that. And then you're in it. Living it. The parties you got told about, the friends for life that suddenly you're making. And they keep quiet about the dissertation, your teachers. Your mentors. Sure it gets mentioned from time to time but it's no big deal, besides you're a million miles from it - too busy having fun. Dancing the nights away and being silly.
And then it's third year and you're being forced to do some stupid proposal but it's not real, not really. So you put some effort in but you don't think about it too hard - and then..well then it's too late. Because then it's 4th year and it's started and it feels like I can't take this pressure. Like I'm on a path that I can't really get off of and I'm not sure I really wanted to be on, but then again it's only a couple of weeks and it seems so silly to give it all up - would I do that? I don't think so but nights like this when I don't get it and I feel as if I'll never get it then I wonder if a simple life with a simple job and a simple happiness is what I really want, what I crave, what I need.
But then I remember my paternal grandfather and that underlying sense I got from him that I can be anything I want to be. And I remember my maternal grandparents and how proud they would have been to see me get this far. And it pushes me, pushes me at a time when it feels like I want to scream and stop.
So I choose to keep going. I choose to push my limits and not accept that I can't. It's been a pretty tough year, with big changes and a few rubbish events but I'm determined things are getting better, they have to. I read a book recently, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and the following quote sums up a lot of how I feel right now and so I'm going to end on it. Now is the time. The final push...but I really do wish that they warned us a little bit more.
“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” - Stephen Chbosky
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